Please send me a free chess board filled with ghosts

An open letter to Square Off, Inc.

Please send me a free chess board filled with ghosts

To the folks at Square Off, Inc.,

I am impressed by your chess board that moves the pieces for your unseen opponent, and while I am not a reviewer of things by trade, I do think that if you sent me one of these ghost chess boards, I could write a pretty good review of it. I think I could really help shore up excitement for your product, a wooden box filled with chess pieces and the spirits of the undead.

Recently, I’ve been getting a lot of Instagram ads for a competing chess board that lights up to show you the best moves. Neat and all, but child’s play compared to your product, which doubles as a necromancer.

Obviously I cannot purchase one of these chess boards, as the suggested retail price is over $400 and I need to buy things like “housing” and “food,” but I also understand why this product would be so expensive. I have seen Ghostbusters and played Luigi’s Mansion, so I understand, conceptually, that the R&D behind the technology to capture ghosts and exploit their energy would get quite costly. I feel that I can totally communicate to my readers why your product is worth that price if you give me one for free, and I won’t even need a Ouija board to do it!

I’d also be happy with one of your newer models coming later this year, assuming they come with the same amount of ghosts as the earlier models.

Two white men marvel at the Square Off chess board.

Look at how happy these men from your website are! While they could easily be playing chess with each other, they are instead marveling at the genius of the dead chess grandmasters that you have communed with and tricked into living inside your product for all eternity.

I see on your website that you have an affiliate program—I would, of course, share a hyperlink to your product, presuming you send me a review copy and that I survive the unending torment of the undead spirits trapped inside your chess board.

Adam Cecil